visible
in which i push back on a persistent fiction, agree to a solo concert (!), and then get back to work
Hey Hartlist!
How was your holiday? Do you want any cookies? Because there are so many left.
For anyone following this story, the green bean that fell behind the stove has been located and removed. Thank you for your support in this difficult time.
JUST THE GIGS
JAN 24 @ 7:00PM - a rare solo appearance at Rockwood Music Hall Stage 3!
AND, BTW:
UPCOMING: monthly residency at Rockwood 3 with the band, details to come!!
FROM THE CHRYSALIS
It is a truth lie (seemingly) universally accepted that when a woman reaches a certain age, she disappears.
At least, so I’m told. She becomes, so the conventional wisdom goes, less attractive, less compelling, less interesting, less important, less I don’t know whatever it is. Or, as the phrase I usually hear goes, she “becomes invisible.”
Every once in a while, an essay or something makes the rounds about how to ‘handle’ this inevitability. I got another one of them this week, on a text thread among some college friends, with let me hasten to say a loving and affirmative message about friendship and self-care in the new year and yes, YES to all of that.
And I’m certainly not going to say that the society we live in -to say nothing of my industry - is not rife with sexism and ageism and I completely get feeling this way.
And yet… could we maybe stop for a second?
Because I hear this a lot. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve been in with interesting, hot, creative adult women; working professionals making things happen and having an impact on the world every day…. who at some point will laugh or shrug and weigh in on how she feels about “becoming invisible”. It’s fine, she doesn’t mind it, she does but it’s ok, she’s angry about it, hurt, blase, it sucks but what can you do, really it’s much better, etc, etc, whatever it is.
And every time, I’m like…
I CAN SEE YOU!
I CAN SEE YOU!
…WE CAN ALL SEE HER, RIGHT?
I’ve honestly been thinking and talking and writing about this (to myself) for the last couple of days and now the choice is either to write a Big Serious Essay or work on my solo show. And I’m going to work on my solo show, because I’ve always been more of a Show Don’t Tell person.
But here are my Main Points About It because I guess I just can’t help myself.
Mainly I am sad when this comes up, because I do think that when we think we are something, we act accordingly. And when we act accordingly, we (often) create results that seem to prove what we thought in the first place and so on in a vicious cycle. And the belief becomes a “truth” that we then oh so helpfully pass on to others.
A brilliant young director I know came to a meeting with me visibly shaken from a lunch with an older female colleague who had helpfully ‘informed’ her that her professional days were numbered and she’d better start acting accordingly. (I think we’re still waiting on those recommended actions.)
When I shared my feelings on the college friends’ text thread, I got back a lot of personal reassurances: we love you, you are seen ,you are visible.
But the thing is - I know that.
Don’t get me wrong: I have plenty of regrets, insecurities, and 3AM interior monologues about the ways in which I have failed and/or will probably end up alone eaten by dogs a la Bridget Jones, who is younger than I am.
But most of the time, it doesn’t occur to me that I might be “invisible”… until someone reminds me that that is how I’m “supposed” to feel. Or that it’s coming up shortly, better watch out.
Several very good things happened for me in 2022, which I actively pursued, and would DEFINITELY not have had I considered myself invisible, ‘over’, etc . You know?
So I worry for us.
Maybe at this point you’re like Rebecca, they’re talking specifically about men and sex. Being invisible to men. (Because, sure, most of these conversations I have are with adult straight women sharing articles written by other adult straight women.) And to that I say… yeah, I am also talking about that!
“Young” and “attractive” are actually not words that mean the same thing!Do some people feel and act as if they are the same? Sure!
Which leads me to point B:
Being invisible = not possible.
Being blind = possible.
(We’re still talking figuratively.)
If someone is acting as if they can’t see you1, this is not because you’re “becoming invisible”, it’s because something is wrong with their eyes.
It’s something they’re Doing, not something you’re Being.
And maybe we can’t change what they’re Doing, but we can sure as hell not jump on board and agree that we’re the problem!
… if for no other reason than: see Point A.
Ok yes there is so much more to say, yes I am afraid I sound like I’m saying “fuck structural misogyny, just pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, which I am not.
But as one of my friends said on the text thread, I can’t talk about the patriarchy right now because I will get car sick. (Amen to that.)
I’ll end on this: the other day I finally, finally sent some pages of the solo show to my director after weeks of sketching and thinking and talking to myself. As usual, I had zero perspective on them and wondered if there was anything useful at all, but hey, we need to start.
That night around midnight I was in bed and on the verge of sleep, when I got her text saying “Read it and loved it - let’s chat”. And - I kid you not - ten seconds later I was at my desk, wide awake, re-reading and adding and cruising on a river of inspiration. I guess I really needed that flip of the switch. I needed the witness; the moment where someone says yes, this is real, keep going. The moment where someone says “I See You”.
May we all say that to each other, often. May we write articles about it that greatly outnumber the ones about fading away. And may we always, always See ourselves.
See you out there,RH
which they can, because you are actually not invisible.
visible
I see you and enjoy seeing you and, in fact, I think this is a fallacy (sp?), a trope repeated. And while pieces and parts might be true or feel tru to some, I am agreeing with you that there is both a movement to prove this idea wrong and a movement that maintains this idea. Both by women. Men don’t give this a second thought I don’t think. Most are just completely unaware. Do we have to work harder to be heard? Yes. Do we have to work harder to be paid more? Yes. But passion and drive remain alive and well and we need to spend more time fueling those things in each other than worrying about what others may think.
I literally JUST discussed this topic at a party! I don't remember why but I was telling someone that an older friend told me years ago that as a woman you become invisible after 40 and no one catcalls you when you walk down the street and this is somehow disturbing. And I realized recently that I don't get catcalled when I walk down the street but then I asked other people and we concluded that people don't catcall anymore! The younger generation is more enlightened and the catcaller generation apparently has died out!