that's enough

in which we ponder self-imposed limits, you get the replay of last week's "Chrysalis" show and the JULY 9 Rockwood show ticket link is already up & running

Hey Hartlist,

It’s often been said that we need to be willing to go after what we want, but are we willing to have what we want?

Weird segue? Perhaps! If you missed Sunday’s episode of
The CHRYSALIS, #61 (!): ADULTING, here it is. Songs by me, Billie Eilish, Edna St. Vincent Millay, and actually, mostly me. Including one of the new 30/30 songs! Subscribe on the YT channel to never miss it again.

In case you are just tuning in, I’m on Song 19 of a “write 30 songs in 30 days” challenge that I co-opted from the “30 poems in April” thing I learned about via my poet friends. Or, I would be on Song 19 had I not suddenly stopped writing two nights ago.

There’s nothing wrong with a night off, and this wasn’t my first. I’m not going to stop til I get to 30, but the “in April” part is not gonna happen. That’s fine, though, because I made a point of staying loose with this whole thing. I told myself, it’s ok to take a night off if you have to, none of the songs have to be “good” or long or complete, it’s not about producing 30 great songs to ‘do something with’, it’s about getting yourself composing/playing/writing again. Let this be easy. It will have benefits beyond the exercise itself, you’ve done it before and you know how rewarding it was, etc. And that was all great, and has been totally true.

Soooooo… you might ask, as I just asked myself, why stop at 30?

Especially if it’s not a super-rigorous thing, there are no punishments for ‘failing’, and it’s awesome? Wouldn’t you want to make this more, like… a way of life?

Like, I don’t know, ALL the writers who live by ‘write every day’ as gospel? Also, you write tons of things every day: emails, texts, comments, notes to yourself, gratitude lists… why not this? What’s the difference?

Indeed.

Especially, also, if Song #18, the song right before you stopped, went like this:

“ok what's exciting is it feels like somethings really starting to happen in this here challenge…I really hear it in my head with the band. {…} this whole thing was worth it for the first line. v happy with that. best lyric I’ve written so far. Also this is a guitar part i wrote FOREVer ago and couldn't find something for it. so that's nice.” -my own notes, right after posting on the 30/30 site

?

The difference, I’m going to venture to say, is that I have never said “it feels like something’s really starting to happen here” after I wrote a text, post, or email. (Even some really funny emails.)

The difference is the exhilaration, the wonder, the electricity behind those words.

The difference is maybe in this case that music/singing is involved, which makes it a bodily experience.

The difference is how good it felt to write (or to allow it to be written.)

AND, I’m going to venture to guess, the difference is that a continued daily practice of this kind might have more of an effect on me than a daily emailing and texting and even I’m gonna say journaling practice. It might effect more change in my life. Change, let me hasten to say, of the kind that I am often heard wishing for.

ALSO, this is not the only time this has happened for me. I have a history of “quitting before the miracle”; that is, abandoning or mysteriously “losing interest” in something awesome JUST at the point where I leveled up, really started to benefit from it, and it threatened seemed to be about to change me. Or, more to the point, change my idea of me.

It looks like this: I address a food intolerance and change my diet, feel great and lose 5 pounds… then go back to whatever I was doing before. I realize consistent yoga practice gives me great joy, keeps my spine happy, and oh wow look I did my first handstand… then I stop going for a few months. I meditate daily for two weeks, am stunned by the difference in my general mood… and abruptly stop. It’s as if a little internal censor barks “Ok - that’s enough!”

Again, I’m noticing as I re-read this that I’m talking about endeavors that are physical as well as mental; I think that’s significant.

In each case, I (kind of) contract and ‘start over again’, rather than finding out what happens if I keep expanding.

So, ok, I had this experience 18 songs in and then I quit for two days.

I know myself. “A night off” is one thing, two nights off is I’m starting the slow slide backwards to my setpoint.

Hi, I’m Rebecca and I read all the personal development books so you don’t have to. In the continued quest for concision (yes I had to look that word up), I’ll use this quote.

Setpoint: “a predisposition to feel a certain way and a baseline to which we quickly return” ¹

I have a sneaking suspicion that I have a low setpoint for fear or anxiety under pressure and I also have a sneaking suspicion that my brain, somehow, often, translates “excitement” or “rush of energy” as DANGER, RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Anyone else? Well, even if not, I take comfort in three things:
1) change scares a lot of people, but also
2) it’s incredibly common to have a weird resistance to pleasure, to feeling “too” good, or having “too” much. ²

(Yes, even in our dopamine/comfort-obsessed culture. Because that is not the same thing as Joy. Or even true Pleasure. In fact, a lot of those dopamine chasing behaviors are ways of trying to distract ourselves from the Joy/Pleasure needs (because: ‘impossible’, too hard, scary, might change us, etc.)

3) It’s possible to change this!!

Neuroplasticity, baby. We can change our brains, wear in new grooves and smooth out the old ones. And one of the ways we do this? Repetition.

We repeat the new behavior, maybe in small ways to not set off the internal alarms(?), and lean into that stretch. It doesn’t have to be a long song. We are willing to keep going. We are willing to change, to have what we say we want. Crucially, we are willing to enjoy it and feel better/good.

One of my yoga teachers often ends class by asking us to take a moment “to welcome - and maybe even receive - the benefits of your practice”. This always makes me smile.

What do you think? What’s something you let yourself have, permanently, or change for the better? What made it stick?

Let me know. I’ll be working playing on Song #19.

Love,

Rebecca

PS Rockwood Music Hall has actually already posted the ticket link for my birthday show on JULY 9, and I get scary automatic emails EVERY DAY with the number of tickets sold. Make one of these emails a positive experience for me and book now. :)

1. Neuropsychologist Richard J. Davidson, PhD, founder of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, according to my hasty googling

2. “the pleasure zone: why we resist good feelings…” by stella resnick, “the big leap” by gay hendricks, other stuff I’m not thinking of now