Hey Hartlist,
I had a whole other newsletter planned, but then this morning on the subway a man called me a bitch and shoved me while I was on my way to audition for a Florida production of the Johnny Cash jukebox musical ‘Ring of Fire’ … and now that’s what I want to talk about. Maybe because that was The Most American Sentence I’ve written in a while.
But hey….. in-person auditions are back! Woo hoo!
JUST THE GIGS, BITCH
new shows added
Dec 10, 8PM - SoFar Sounds Series - Manhattan Mystery Location1 - RH Solo
Dec 12, 8PM - The Kraine Theatre- Songwriters Night - RH & Matt Gelfer
Dec 14, *7PM* - The Rockwood Music Hall Stage II - Full Band! Last Show of the Year!
Rebecca Hart & the Wrong Band: The Annual Winter Solstice Show
FROM THE CHRYSALIS
There are a number of ways I could go here with this story. One is to bring up yet again the “maybe so, maybe not” Taoist parable 2 and note that just yesterday I was grumbling about self-tape issues and deciding in-person auditions would be so much better (but maybe so, maybe not). Another is to give a shout-out to the man who saw this happen and approached to ask if I was ok (yes, but also no), then hovered at a respectful distance until I thanked him and got off at my stop. That could be a good parable right there about the folly of black & white thinking (“people are terrible”/”people are kind”), demonstrated in real time. But I think what’s sticking with me right now was my own reaction to this incident. Specifically in comparison to the last time this happened, because of course this has happened to me more than once. Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there’s nothin you can’t do….
I have an unfortunate but (later) amusing(?) habit of always blurting something out when harassed; more in surprise than anything else. There was the time when a drunk man making kissy noises caused me to inform him that “NOBODY LIKES THAT!” which I like to think was at least different than the other reactions he’d had that day. (Also, probably nothing will top the time I said “stop it!” to a harasser who promptly shouted back “Not you! HER!” and pointed at someone else. *Chef’s kiss*)
Today, as I regained my balance after the shove, I was thinking Rebecca Do Not Engage at exactly the moment my head turned and my mouth sternly said “No!” to the shover. Like, in a tone you would use with a toddler who just pulled his sister’s hair. But that was all. And thankfully, my feet had already started carrying me away, and we were not followed. And when the second guy approached to ask if I was ok, I really was. I was calm enough to smile and say yes, just surprised, even though I was also obviously rattled enough to come home and write a newsletter about it an hour later. I didn’t feel any anger or residual electricity, I went and did my audition, the end. (I sang Patsy Cline, it went ok.)
And then, coming home, I flashed on a previous shoving incident, which was several years ago, also on the way to sing somewhere. I was on a busy street, guitar strapped to my back, same as this morning. I was confused about which building I was supposed to enter, and I had committed the unpardonable sin of slowing down to look at the map on my phone, or maybe didn’t move aside quickly enough? And a man passing by - but coming toward me?? ( this is what I don’t get, I wasn’t blocking him or slowing him down or anything) - reached out and shoved me, hard, across the sidewalk.
And that time? I went into an absolute blind rage. I turned around and screamed at him, in public, I don’t even remember what, something along the lines of what the fuck do you think you’re doing don’t ever do that again, you know, something really classy and mature, and people on the street who hadn’t noticed the shove were now turning to look at me, the Crazy Person de la moment. And of course he was shouting back bitch this and bitch that and whatever, who cares, nothing was accomplished, and when I got to my destination and someone asked if I was ok, I burst into tears.
What was the difference between then and now?
Let me hasten to say, several things. In the last few years I have, in the parlance of our times, “done a lot of work on myself”, and in general I think it’s paid off. I’m probably not as reactive, not as frightened, more able to hold perspective in general. I also was on time today, and prepared for a chill audition. On that previous Shoving Day, I remember I was lost, running late, and worried about the gig. Plus I’m older now. Sure. Many factors.
But the first thing I thought of when I asked myself today what the difference was?
The guy today shoved me. The previous guy shoved my guitar.
I remember that. He grabbed the neck of the guitar on my back and shoved me with it, across the sidewalk toward the wall of a building. I remember that seemed totally unforgivable to me and like I could not let him get away with it (whatever that means). And - you know - I’m not, like, one of those Serious Musicians for whom the instrument is, like, my baby, or my life or an extension of me (or, I thought, anyway). I mean, I’m a songwriter and a singer and an actor and I’ve played the guitar while doing those things since I was 12, but I mean - I barely practice. I’m always getting mad at myself for not taking better care of my guitars. I’ve dropped them and stored them wrong and played them with holes in them, sometimes for years, and sometimes I think they’re more like a utensil than anything else, and, I mean, it’s not “like that”, is my point. At least I think it’s not!
Earlier this week I was talking to a coach who specializes in finance and works mostly with women. She said that in her observation it is usually much easier to get women to invest or save money on behalf of someone or something else, rather than themselves. If the money in question can be framed as for the children, or the family or the community , etc., it seems legitimate, valid, doable. If not, it’s a tougher sell.
Is this ‘bad’? Is it ‘good’? Is it related to my Shoving History? Is it just something I thought of while remembering it?
Maybe so, maybe not.
See you out there.
Rebecca
visit sofarsounds.com to get on the list and receive the info (I don’t even know yet)
a story which makes the point that we never really know what is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ luck in the moment because we don’t know the future. People sometimes translate it as the ‘silver lining’ thing but I think it’s not quite the same.