who's zoomin who
in which we recap sunday's chrysalis and another less glorious internet appearance
Hey Hartlist,
I Lived It: One Woman’s Story of Accidentally Taking Off Her Pants On Zoom.
(Sure, Rebecca. “Accidentally.”)
JUST THE ART PLEASE, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE PANTS
Last Sunday’s ‘Chrysalis’ set (#64, ‘MEA CULPA’), cute special guests.
SAT 9/24 6PM The Brooklyn Americana Festival, FREE outdoor show
Ok after that skillful clickbait (scrollbait?), I will hasten to say that my Zoom wardrobe malfunction story is not that exciting. (Thank god.) But, you know, in a way it was a relief. Like… getting Covid for the first time last month. It was not fun, but in a way I was like whew, the suspense was killing me, it was probably just a matter of time and I guess I’m on the team now right?
(I also hasten to say that 1) I am fully vaccinated and it was mild and 2) yes, I’m still lying to myself about the fact that you can get it more than once.)
Similarly, it’s what, three years now of Zoom Life? Of meetings and classes and performances and dates and family reunions and, whatever, press conferences in a little box onscreen? That’s four years of making sure you’re on mute (or not) and navigating the finer points of camera-on/camera-off etiquette and whether you want someone to see your living room or a sunset beach scene that interferes with your hairline in an unnerving way. And for as long as we’ve been doing this, we’ve been delightfully scandalized by stories of s/he did what? with the camera on? OMG how embarrassing I would never do something like that because how can you not know your camera is on? How would that even happen?
I will tell you how.
You sign on to one of your favorite yoga teacher’s zoom classes. Running low on laundry, you are clad in a pair of too-long PJ pants that you hope will work. You usually leave your camera off for livestream yoga classes, you just like it that way, but you don’t really know why, and you feel kind of guilty about it and as a result you spend the first five minutes of every yoga class worrying that the teacher thinks you hate them, or don’t respect them, and wondering if maybe you should just turn your camera on. Which is followed by another few minutes of getting kind of mad (at … someone??) and saying things (to… someone?) like hey look buddy I can do whatever I want and you can’t make me even though by now you’re supposed to be doing alternate-nostril breathing. Then the teacher says “Oh, Hi Rebecca” and you can’t say hi back because you’re on mute and you can’t wave because your camera is off and there’s a intolerable awkward pause that finally makes you get up and go over to turn on your camera so you can wave, but of course by now the moment has passed and you’re supposed to be in downward-facing dog. So you run back to the mat, leaving the camera on, and by the time you trip on your too-long pant leg for the third time you’ve forgotten about the whole camera thing and are back on auto-pilot. So when you decide to change, you think nothing of standing up and taking your pants off in the middle of class, because it’s fine, because your camera is always off during yoga.
Except it isn’t.
Luckily there were only like four other people in class and they were all upside down when this happened. Also I know the teacher (maybe that’s worse, actually?) and he never said a thing although I did notice a very broad smile when I suddenly grabbed a towel.
But hey, whew, it was only a matter of time and the suspense was killing me and I’m on the team now… right?
I’ve been a little scattered lately, what can I say. For the last month I haven’t been in any one place for longer than a week, and I’m getting ready to move to a new place and I feel like I’m behind on everything in my life except this newsletter. PantsGate was not the only weird dumb mistake I’ve made recently (though I’ll spare you the details of my relationship with IKEA, or Wordle.) I recently heard about something horrifying called the ‘Mercury Retrograde Shadow Period’ that supposedly happens BEFORE the Retrograde even starts??? (Which is 9/9/22, if you’re wondering). And also it’s possible that Covid left me with some short-term memory issues. And it’s also possible that Covid left me with some short-term memory issues.
Sorry, I’ve been wanting to make that joke for a month.
(If I have already made that joke this month, please accept my sincere apologies.)
Weirdly, though, during this time of confusion I have also done a few specific things really well. Like, new things in a new way. For example, in a business conversation this week, I asked specifically for something I needed rather than employing my patented Long-Form Worry and Silent Resentment (TM) technique. And instead of going with the classic Pretend It’s Not Happening And Will Fix Itself Maneuver, I checked in on a project that was giving me agita, discovered a mistake, and fixed it before it became a Problem. And maybe I sort of feel like I’m turning a corner, or changing, in some way. And yes, I would like a cookie.
Is it possible that all those “no success without failure” and “ugly duckling/caterpillar goo” parables are on to something? Is it possibly true that you can’t make an omelet without removing your pants on Zoom?
That’s the expression, right?
Anyway, I’m going with “awkward growth spurt” rather than “decline”.
Sidebar: am I the only person who constantly thinks about the 80s pop song “Who’s Zoomin’ Who” every time Zoom is mentioned? Also, did you remember that it was sung by Aretha Franklin? Because I did not.
Here’s to awkwardly showing up and doing it wrong and being uncomfortable and somehow reaping the benefits. And also to Elton John (watch the video).
Love,
Rebecca
PS If I ever teach you yoga, you can leave the cam off.