just sayin

in which I write this, avoid writing other things, invite you to the next show, and ponder the agendas behind words, but more fun than that sounds

Hey Hartlist,

I have a friend who likes to preface sharing her everyday frustrations with the phrase “not complaining, just reporting.”

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JUST THE GIGS
You guys know we are playing a monthly residency right? Two more Final Fridays…

REBECCA HART & THE WRONG BAND
FRIDAY, MARCH 31, 7:00PM
ROCKWOOD MUSIC HALL STAGE 3
$20 *Cash Only* @ door, or Advance Tickets Here.
Special guest (and birthday boy) Jonny Porkpie

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FROM THE CHRYSALIS

“Not complaining, just reporting.”

I think this phrase is cute and I have frequently adopted it. I also think part of its cuteness comes from the fact that we all know that it’s not true.

It is a truth universally (?) acknowledged that there is no such thing as “I’m Just Sayin’”. As I joyfully and self-importantly informed my students the first (one?) time I taught acting, no one ever says anything without an objective. The only reason we evolved language at all was to try to get things from each other.

That sounds bad, because of our knee-jerk reaction to anything transactional, but it doesn’t have to. I think what my friend means is “I am complaining without agenda”, but even that’s not possible. I think the closest translation of “not complaining just reporting” is “I have no agenda beyond connecting with you and feeling heard”.

‘Complaining’ (yes I just looked it up) is defined simply as “an expression of dissatisfaction or annoyance about something.” Period. If we only ever “expressed satisfaction and delight” about everything, we would a) lie a lot b) have boring conversations c) and no actual intimacy. (Plus we would probably all have ulcers.)

But the word does drag around a pretty negative connotation, hence the disclaimer. Even the example sentence on Dictionary.com is “His complaining has been a little bit annoying”! And it IS annoying to be around someone who makes “expressions of discontent” their full-time job. It’s as uninteresting as 24-7 Everything’s Coming Up Roses, and, I think, as dishonest. And contagious. After prolonged exposure I start to feel like I am the one who is responsible for All The Things, and also like I should stop feeling happy about anything that’s going well. Or, if I am, I should for gods’ sake not say anything.

Because if there’s one thing we dislike more than Complaining, it’s Bragging.

I just looked that up too, and it’s not as neutral; “bragging” is “excessively proud or boastful talk about one’s achievements or posessions.” (“Boastful”, if you’re wondering, is “showing excessive pride{…}”.)

Ok, so “excessive” is the problem. “Expressing” or “sharing” becomes “complaining” and “bragging” when it’s too much, or too often.

So… how much is too much?

There’s the rub. And in our anxiety to avoid either one we can tie ourselves in a variety of knots, such as a lighthearted disclaimer or my strategic use of the word “self-importantly” in the first paragraph to describe a teaching moment I was actually pretty proud of. (But I didn’t want you to think I was bragging.)

There might be only one thing worse than the paranoid struggle to monitor your actions and words so that no one ever thinks poorly of you, and that is the dawning realization that you have very little control over other peoples’ perceptions at all. (And by ‘You’ I mean ‘Me’.)

Recently I heard a friend describe this blog as “a diary of your successes”. It was not said as criticism, but I was completely surprised by this perception. To me this blog has been a lot of things: a reaction to quarantine isolation, a reunion with writing in general, a place to talk about being stuck or challenged, and, yes, a place to celebrate triumphs.

And I guess this is technically also a newsletter, ie, a marketing tool. So, generally, ixnay on the omplainingCay.

Another friend last week said something to me about how “every time” I play, my shows are “packed”. I was also surprised to hear this perception.

Would you like to know how many people came to the Rockwood on 2/24 specifically to see my band?

Two. Two people. (And I love them.)

Ok there were more like 20, but. 18 were there specifically to see Susie (she was sitting in with us on fiddle and hadn’t played in a while). (And I love them.)

My point is not that that audience was bad (we love them!) My point is, Both/And. My point is, Successes and Dissatisfactions. My point is, check your motivation when you share … AND you have no idea what is in the Eye of the Beholder. BeHearer? Either way.

I could go on about the other things that Aren’t Happening (I used to be an actor; remember that?), but like I said, this is supposed to be a marketing tool. So I’ll leave you with this thought:

I think the only real “Just Saying” - ie, sounds that come out of us without agenda - is music. That may be one reason it has such remarkable healing and transformative power. And while I can’t figure out why people don’t seem to know about my shows, if you’ve read this far, you are now reading about the March 31 date and the April 28 date that follows. Rockwood III is a gorgeous listening room, I play with exceptional musicians, I think the new songs are some of my best work ever and you can’t hear them anywhere else, it is a great time slot for the theatre crowd, we do not always play the same show, but we always play a good show.

Not bragging, just reporting.

See you out there,

Rebecca