Hey Hartlist,
Happy New Year! I am full of s*t!
(Stay with me.)
HAPPENING
SUN JANUARY 21, 6:00-7:15PM - STAARCON 2024- VIRTUAL
So… I’m speaking at this national “Hybrid Tarot & Metaphysical Conference”!! Virtually sharing an excerpt of my solo show How To Read Tarot Cards, followed by an interview. Tickets for the conference are HERE.
SAT FEBRUARY 17, 7:30PM - SOFAR SOUNDS NYC - IN PERSON
Playing solo at this high-quality concert series at a very very cool Manhattan venue. Get tickets HERE and find out the secret location day-before.
FROM THE CHRYSALIS
So that might not sound like the most positive New Year’s Revelation, but trust me, it kind of was. (As I find myself saying a lot to Tarot clients, it’s all about context.)
Allow me to set the scene: I was spending New Year’s weekend in a meditation retreat. That’s been my go-to NYE for a few years now (and my dental hygienist informed me this week while numbing my right lower gum that it “seems like a really popular choice this year”), so, you know, FWIW.
If you’ve ever been in a weekend-long personal development workshop of any kind, you know that at JUST as you’re really settling into the quiet and introspection it will be time for the dreaded disruption known as… Small Groups.
As in, “Ok, so look around you and form some groups of 3 or 4…”
Oh, the horror.
You can see it in everyone’s eyes. First of all, suddenly now there’s eye contact; how does that work again? And then there’s the middle school agony everyone pretends not to feel as it becomes clear who is meeting your gaze and who is studiously avoiding it as the cliques groups form.
Once you’re in your awkward cluster there is the sinking dread of knowing you will very soon be asked to share something personal with these people. This is quickly followed by the chilling awareness that you will be delivering said revelation at a shout, if you are to have any hope of being heard (in a cavernous yoga space full of people doing the same thing).
“I promise: you’re about to fall in love with these other people”, our leader called out merrily from his safe position on the platform next to a bronze statue of Shiva, which I doubt I would have been allowed to choose as MY partner.
A few summers ago, I attended a yoga weekend that included an exercise that involved partnering up for a combination of eye contact and an extended embrace. To their credit, the leaders warned us that this would sound absolutely horrible. And it did. And it also ended up being my favorite thing that day. (Hugging is great! Have you tried it??) What I’m saying is that I wasn’t completely anti-Small Groups that day, I mean, I’ve been through enough now to know that they usually end up making you feel good.
Usually.
Our assigned task was not hard. It was to share (by turns, when the bell pinged), our answers to the softball question what brought you here this weekend, what do you want to get out of it. The bell pinged, and we were off. The first woman shared something really moving about how it was the anniversary of her husband’s death, and like I said it was very moving, and Ping, next person, omg it’s me, holy s*t I have to follow that? are you kidding?
I took a deep breath. My plan was to keep perspective and to keep Whiny Rebecca in check, but it went out the window pretty fast. I think I started with I’m here because I love spending New Years here, and then it was a quick leap to I’m here because I am Tired of Feeling Like This About My Life and I wanted to learn how I might stop. Then, I still had three minutes so… I was off and running. The many ways my life doesn’t look like it was “supposed to”. The failures. The other failures. The falling short and the regrets and the worst case scenarios and if you’ve ever delivered this type of monologue you know that it doesn’t get better as it goes on. It becomes the 3AM laundry list of what ifs and should haves that I discuss with my Tarot clients when this card shows up in their spread:
It was honest. I definitely meant everything I was saying. It was comprehensive: all the usual suspects - sadness, worry, shame, shame about feeling and talking about the shame - were present. And, of course, kind of a relief… though, as the bell pinged and we moved on, I had to admit… not much of one. Not as much as usual. Huh.
As we all headed back to our mats afterward to To Be With The Experience, I took a deep breath. Something was still there, nagging at me. I couldn’t quite place it.
And then I remembered something I’d said to my group, right at the end. I had said it with full conviction, as truth, and with a lot of pain that was real and not fake:
“I haven’t worked since 2019.”
That is what I had said, with tears in my eyes, sincerely, to this group of people.
And - you may be way ahead of me here, but - this was Total Bullshit.
Not true at all. A lie.
What the hell?
Because this - this - was kind of new. I’m familiar with wallowing, with dwelling on the negative, with exaggeration even.
But a bald-faced lie?
One that I hadn’t even noticed myself telling??
There followed a brief internal argument in lieu of mantra practice:
MYSELF: Here is a list of work you have done since 2019.
ME: Ok ok, but what I meant was artistic -
MYSELF: Here is a list of artistic work you were paid for since 2019.
ME: Ok, ok, but what I meant was, I haven’t ACTED since 2019, and that’s really -
Myself: BITCH YOU DID A ONE WOMAN SHOW IN MAY
And so on until I admitted I had straight up lied. To all of us.
I have to say it was a shock to the system. A glass of cold chai to the face. An air horn during alternate-nostril breathing. Suddenly finding out that Grima Wormtongue has been in charge of your social media for who even knows how long and my god, what has he been posting???
It’s not him, of course. It’s not anyone. It’s you. (Or, it’s Me.)
Why did I lie? Because I thought it was true.
Why did I think it was true?
Because of my story.
A lot has been written about The Story - by me already and by others, more eloquently so I won’t go on- ok, it’s the unconscious narrative we tell ourselves over and over about something in our lives. To varying degrees, it directs our experience, causes us to make certain meanings of events, and filters our reality to focus only on supporting evidence for itself.
The thing is- and this is important - for most of that argument, both “Me” and “Myself” were telling the truth. Stating facts.
Yes, I did all those things.
No, they were not enough for me, artistically or financially.
Yes, there were achievements. Yes there were rejections.
Facts.
But whether or not there are more of one or more of the other, your Story may determine what you think those facts “mean”, and what they “prove”. And that might determine what you DO next about it, which is the really big deal.
So the crappy part was finding out that my Story - “I Am Not A Successful Person” - had become so strong it could cause me to tell a straight-up lie to myself and others.
(Is this something you should write about in a promotional newsletter? Too late.)
The awesome part was that, this time, it overplayed its hand, and I caught it in the act. That was a gift.
If I don’t kick this to the curb in 2024, I thought, I’m never going to appreciate the good stuff that happens, never have any energy to pursue more of it, never even see the opportunities that come my way.
I’ll just Keep Feeling Like This About My Life.
Which, of course, is what I’d said I came to the retreat to find out how to stop doing.
Cool.
The next morning - New Year’s Day - we did small groups again, with different people. I told them this story.
Happy New Year!
Rebecca
PS ALSO in small group, someone talked about throwing a party for the first time in forever and how scary it was, and it wasn’t me… BUT I did throw the First Annual Winter Solstice Salon on December 21 (remember that?) in my home and it was too awesome to even take pictures. Thank you to all who answered the Noble Call.